Courtesy of the fabulous Ms. Raspberry. I may send out a few of these once I regain consciousness on the other side of New Year’s:
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Dear Mr. / Mrs. ___________
I am writing to apologize for my ________ behaviour the other night, and i hope that despite everything, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I should have known there would be a problem when your ______ first brought out the ________ of _______ that was so big it needed a handle. I was nervous about meeting you for the first time, and although i can usually hold my ________, i thought that having a few ________ would help me to _________. I was obviously very very wrong.
I honestly don’t remember much between _______ with your visiting relatives and _______, but i’m told that i made quite a scene. If past experience is anything to go by, I’m guessing I whipped out my ______ and said “______” a lot. I hope i didnt’ try to sit on your husband’s / wife’s _________ or make out with your ______, but at this point, nothing would surprise me. In my mind, I was just trying to be _______. All i know is that i woke up bathed in _________, with a blinding hangover, next to your ________ in the _________ in your driveway. I’m guessing you probably saw the big pile of ______ on the table where we tried to ________, but I’m hoping you didn’t walk in while we were ________. We disposed of the _______ in the ________, so hopefully you didn’t stumble across that, but i’m sure the lingering _____ smell was unmistakable. I have a vague recollection of the _______ arriving, so I guess the person the neighbours heard at 4am shouting “________” was me. Oops. Sorry again.
I’d be happy to pay for the _________ I broke (I only threw my ________ out of it because i thought it was open) and replace the tub of ________ and the plastic ________ that went missing, and if you have any trouble getting the _______ stains and the ________ marks out of the furniture, please send me the cleaning bills.
Please accept my sincerest apologies and this _______ that I made.
For what it’s worth, all the best of the holiday season, and once again, my deepest regrets for being such a _______, ________, ________. I don’t usually show people that side of myself until the second or third meeting.
Remorsefully,
________________________
PS – if a pair of black mesh _________ you don’t recognize turn up somewhere, they’re probably mine. Since you probably never want to see me again, you may as well just keep them.
hey!
thanks for the nod!